It All Went Down

Where is everything that we had?

Where are they right now?

Where did they go?

Or where did we go until we get here?

In this miserable, ambiguous, troublesome place

Through this path full of thorns with less light

We said: “Time together is never quite enough.”

Now, we’re asking whether we want it or not

The time to be together again

Are we totally long for it?

Are we still holding on to the moments we used to say meaningful?

Or just making less sense of it?

“You are my home.”

It feels like so long time ago

Are you my home and am I yours?

Or maybe, “home” also needs to be considered sometime for a while

I can’t stop asking why we are lost

I can’t stop thinking where I should go home

I still remember the look on your face

When we love that passionately

I still remember how you held me in your arms

Hugged me, kissed me and said that you loved me

So, why did you become this person I barely know?

Never imagined we’d be this way

Sometimes, I recall the smell of the rain

Since we have stories about “us and the rain”

Sometimes, I look through our photos

All the moments we shared, the good and the bad

All that I’m asking now, do you still remember them?

All that I know now, I don’t know how to be something that you miss

I used to look at the blue sky and smile

For I remember what happened between us

Under the bright sky and the smell after rain

The things we talked and laughed about

The way you held me and kissed me

Shouting how much you loved me with your moves

Now, if I look at the blue sky

I’ll turn a sad face and hold my tears

Feel that everything has been torn apart from us

How I miss the memories

And I know is that the sky reminds me of something sweet

Something that I don’t know may happen again or not

The sparks may should not be searched

Just let it be, as we speak

If it’s forced to be there,

We’ll break apart

Responsibility and commitment, as we know

But will we stay together like we used to say?

I don’t where we went and how everything turned out to be this way

I don’t know how to pulled you back up again

I don’t know how to keep you in my arms again

I don’t know how to hold on anymore

I’m falling deeper and further from the ground

And you can’t save me

As We Do

Do you know the feeling of having a sudden shock for missing your purpose?

It’s like one day, you wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, get dress, stare at the mirror, look at your reflection for a moment and suddenly get stung with this question which is actually been dangling in your mind for a while.

Ask yourself: What’s your life’s vision?

Walking down the hallway, taking a glance at some people, having a glimpse about things you want to do in the future, thinking about how today will turn out to be… Did you ever think about those all at once? For me, all of those things happen at the same time, every morning during my walk to campus and class.

It seems like I’m trying so hard to get everything settled without knowing where I am, for sure. I feel so far away from reaching my best. I keep asking myself about what is wrong with me, will I be able to fight my laziness if I keep doing the same pattern, what is my point of doing all those daily activities, have I done my best—which of course, I have not at all—am I going to be the change that I want to be in this world and so on…

Then, I just got stung again with this question that shattered most of my thoughts above.

“Unless I ask the right question to myself, how can I find the right answer?”

Think about this: Why are you doing what you do everyday?

Ask yourself, whether this bustling world—which is made by laborious people—has made you not aware of essential things in life.

No, wait. This is the former question that you have to know the answer, first.

“Do you really know and understand what are the essential things in life?” In your life, to be exact.

Thenceforth, ask yourself again: Have I realized what is the essence of everything that I do or I’ve done? Am I not losing the essence of this life?

Don’t forget to make sure of it.

There’s a simple conclusion related to the things that we do everyday without oppugning much.

We automatically do what we think we have to do.

We feel that we must do it, since it’s like a conformity in the society. We have this mechanic urge to achieve what the world tends to admire or amaze about, or simply, we are afraid to be different. We are shaped by this society which seems so assiduous. ‘Assiduous’ as we may say, but ironically, we’re also like a walking zombie. Don’t you ever feel like walking in void?

Well, let’s end this colloquy—wait, or is this a soliloquy?

I hope this bunch of words can be a straight-out reflection for those who read it.

Well, maybe what is written here is not that obvious, since each of us needs to find our own clarity. I purposely leave all the questions unanswered and no longer recital, so that those who read this can elaborate the questions and answers by their own.

Make your life meaningful.

Lead an awesome life! J

Aku Selalu

Jikalau kamu berdiri di sini, di hadapanku, dan bertanya seberapa besar aku mencintaimu...

Aku akan meminta kamu untuk menengadah ke atas melihat langit yang membentang luas menaungi kita.

Seraya kamu memandang langit, aku akan mengatakan bahwa sebesar itulah aku mencintaimu.

Jikalau kamu berdiri di sini, di hadapanku, dan bertanya seberapa besar aku merindukanmu...

Aku juga akan meminta kamu untuk menengadah ke atas melihat langit yang membentang luas menaungi kita.

Seraya kamu memandang langit, aku akan mengatakan bahwa sebesar itulah aku merindukanmu.

Aku tahu, langit masih bagian dari dunia ini. Dan apapun yang ada di dunia ini, itu terbatas. Namun, kumohon, jangan lihat dari sisi waktu dan kapasitas.

Lihatlah, dari sisi ini:

Langit. Membentang luas hingga ke berbagai pelosok dan penjuru dunia. Ke manapun dan di manapun, kamu, aku, kita, kalian, mereka akan selalu dinaungi oleh langit. Langit selalu membentang di atas kita di manapun kita berada, ke manapun kita pergi, dan kapanpun kita bertindak.

Itu berarti...

Ke manapun, di manapun, dan kapanpun kita bernapas, selama kita masih diizinkan untuk hidup dan berpetualang, aku akan selalu mencintaimu dan merindukanmu.

Aku selalu mencintaimu dan merindukanmu.

Tak Butuh Serbuk Peri

Bahkan ketika seharusnya kau bersenang-senang,

Kau malah mendampingiku memecahkan persoalanku.

Bahkan ketika seharusnya kau yang kesal,

Kau malah membuatku tersenyum.

Bahkan ketika seharusnya kau yang risau,

Kau malah membuatku tertawa.

Bahkan ketika seharusnya kau yang muram,

Kau malah menerangi malam.

Aku tak butuh serbuk peri dan pikiran manis untuk membawaku terbang ke angkasa.

Aku hanya butuh engkau dalam melewati lika-liku kehidupan ini.

Aku hanya butuh engkau.

Engkau yang telah membawaku terbang sedari awal kau memutuskan untuk merajut 'kita'.

Running to the Void

Imagine this.

You're standing in the midst of crowd.
You know them, but only a few who have relationships with you.
Only a few who are connected with you.
They're talking and laughing a lot while you're just trying to keep a silence.
They're full of noisiness, yet also hilarity.
Meanwhile, you keep standing still, watching them alertly.

Then suddenly, you're sick of that hectic atmosphere.
No one's without lies.
Everyone has his or her own fudge.
All you want is stillness.
Maybe, to find clarity.
Or maybe, to find back your serenity, since you believe you had it once.

You close your eyes, hoping all that clamorous sound to fade away.
It does.
Slowly, it becomes more and more serene.

You start to open your eyes.
And all you can see is refulgence.
Everything is so clear white.
You dazzle for a moment.
You narrow your eyes.

A wonderful view begins to appear.
There's a vast field of golden grass.
They're all swayed by the wind.
You can feel the wind breeze through your hair and ears.
The sky is blue and full of white cotton cloud.
What is this place?
All you can hear is silence.
All you can feel is quietude.

As you begin to enjoy the moment, your mind starts to wonder about the others.
Where are they?
You try to savour the moment and explore the place.
Where am I?
You start asking where you're standing when you realize about where the others are.

You try to fancy the view and the atmosphere, but everything you do ends up with looking for the others.
Why am I here?
You start to walk wherever the wind blows, not to explore the place, but to find someone.
How did I get here?
There's a little feeling of wanting to cry, but your mind keeps fighting it by asking one question: "Isn't this what you wanted? A solitude?"

Suddenly, you hear a voice.
A voice that's calling your name.
Some voices begin to rise.
They all are whispering, calling you by your name.
Their voices are like a glimpse of heaven.
So, what the place where you are now is called?

Thence, you start to run.
Run and run to look for the source of the voices.
Where is it? Where are they?
Begging to the sky, you keep running and hoping to find someone.
Someone you can walk together with.
Someone you can share everything with.
Someone whom you miss from the crowd that you used to execrate.

Unexpectedly, the voices begin to fade away.
It's so unforeseen.
Anxiety begins to creep in.
You run faster, as fast as you can, trying to catch one of them.
Nevertheless, it's like they run faster than you can ever be.
You cannot catch them up.
Just like from the very first start, you can grip none of them.

You're panting.
Not because you're exhausted.
But because you're afraid.
Afraid of being alone.

You fall on your knee.
Tears start falling on your cheek.
You're afraid.
Afraid of that solitude which you used to want.
You just understand nothing.
Trying to figure out where they've gone, but everything ends up with this word: 'why'

Thenceforward, you stand and start walking again.
You realize.
You realize that the voices were never real.
They are not real.
Those voices are only your thoughts.
Because you long for company in your deep heart.
Craving for serenity and clarity, but all you have now is a great void.

You realize.
That you've been left alone.

Takut

Pernahkah...

Engkau sedang terpaut dengan satu hal. Satu hal yang berkomitmen dan kau tahu, akan penuh gejolak dan dinamika. Akan ada derai tawa dan tetes air mata. Akan penuh warna layaknya langit Bumi ini.

Namun, seberapa sering pun kau mengatakan kau 'tahu', kau tetap memiliki ketakutanmu sendiri.

Ketakutan yang merupakan tumpukan dari berbagai kepingan pikiran menerawang penuh keraguan dan kekhawatiran akan tiap inci peristiwa berikutnya. Ketakutan yang kau tahu, jikalau kau pertanyakan sekarang pun, tidak akan ada jawaban yang bisa seratus persen meredakannya. Ketakutan yang kau tahu, tak akan bisa tuntas dalam waktu dekat karena hanya satu jawaban yang dimilikinya: 'percaya'.

Ketakutan itu kadang menyesakkan hati. Kadang, membuat dirimu gundah-gulana seperti tiada pijakan. Padahal, kau tahu betul di mana kau berpijak dan kepada siapa kau harus berpegang. Padahal, kau tahu jelas siapa yang menuntunmu. Padahal, kau tahu jelas siapa yang selalu akan merengkuhmu erat kapanpun kau membutuhkannya. Kau sadar betul akan hal itu. Namun, rasa takut itu tetap ada.

Apakah, itu karena kurang 'percaya'?

Entahlah. Mungkin. Padahal, kau tahu benar mengapa terkadang Sang Maha Kuasa mengizinkan penderitaan terjadi. Tak pernah ada maksud jahat. Tak pernah. Setitik pun, tak ada.

Mungkin, prinsip bahwa hal buruk itu terkadang malah bisa memperbaiki hal yang baik perlu benar-benar ditanamkan dalam diri yang penuh kerisauan ini.

Dan harus jauh lebih percaya.

Misteri

    Jikalau langit bisa lebih dari sekadar menaungi kita, apa yang akan ia peluk? Jikalau dedaunan bisa lebih dari sekadar bergemerisik, apa yang akan mereka katakan? Jikalau angin bisa lebih dari sekadar berdesir, apa yang akan dihembuskannya? Jikalau air bisa lebih dari sekadar mengucur atau bergemericik, apa yang akan ditenggelamkannya?

   Jikalau aku bisa lebih dari sekadar berdiri mematung mengamatimu dari jauh, apa yang akan kuucapkan padamu? Jikalau kau bisa lebih dari sekadar melihat ke sekelilingmu, apa yang akan kau lihat dari diriku? Jikalau kita bisa saling bergenggaman tangan, apa yang akan kita tempuh bersama?

    "Langitnya biru, ya."

    "Kamu dengar bisikan-bisikan dedaunan itu?"

    "Anginnya cukup kencang, ya. Dingin."

    "Kamu dengar deburan ombak semalam?"

    Engkau memporak-porandakan pikiranku. Meski aku selalu berada di luar lingkaranmu, aku tidak pernah berhenti memimpikanmu. Mendambakanmu itu sudah menjadi kebiasanku. Mengais-ngais udara setiap malam hanya untuk mengingatkan diriku bahwa kau tidak bisa kuraih. Mendengus kesal setiap kali kau terbersit di kepalaku. Itu sering.

    Atau mungkin, kau yang berada di luar lingkaranku.

    Ah, tidak. Buktinya, aku memperhatikanmu. Aku sadar betul akan keberadaanmu.

    Aku saja yang berada di luar lingkaranmu. Selalu. Tak pernah kau sadari, apalagi diperhatikan. Aku ini kasat mata bagimu. Kau dibutakan oleh sekelilingmu.

    Mereka. Apa kau puas dengan 'mereka' semua? Di mana sih, kacamatamu?

  "Tatapan langit begitu tajam. Biru yang cerah, aku suka. Namun, aku tak kuasa membendung kritikannya terhadap manusia. Kita bersalah pada langit."

    "Daunnya begitu hijau. Ada dedaunan yang berwarna ungu, gak, ya?"

    "Ketika angin berhembus pun, alam mengutarakan perasaannya."

    "Ombaknya cukup kencang. Seram. Aku tidak mau dekat-dekat."

    Aku tidak mengerti mengapa kau memikat hatiku. Mungkin pesonamu, atau karena elok rupamu. Aku tak mengerti. Padahal, kau selalu tidak mengerti kata-kata yang aku ucapkan. Tak ada untaian kataku yang dapat memicu langkah benakmu. Apalagi memacu. Aku tidak pernah bisa menarik pelatukmu. Begitu pula dengan kau, bagiku. Padahal, kau tidak pernah ingin membahas apa yang kuujarkan. Tertarik pun, tidak. Padahal, kita terlalu berbeda. Baik dari dunia sendiri, maupun sampai butiran-butiran udara. Apa yang membingkai dirimu tentu tidak akan pernah membingkai diriku. Dekat pun, tidak.

    Selamanya, akan selalu ada jurang di antara kita.

    Apa makna dari misteri ini?

    'Makna' itu ada di luar sana, tersedia di luar sana dan menunggu untuk ditemukan. Hanya saja, kita manusia, terlalu suka dan sering salah mengartikan 'makna'.